PMS

I've got a mean case of the PMS'ers today.

It's only 9am, and I've already threatened two people's lives. Under my breath, of course.

For example, a woman was (and I hate when people do this) just staring at me as I walked into the building this morning.

"Yes?!" I wanted to say. "Can I help you?"

But instead I gave her the raised eyebrow. This quickly prompted her to avert her attention elsewhere.

Yesterday, I bit my husband's head off when he told me he didn't want to go grocery shopping. My mind went into overdrive, quickly putting questions and responses together of an angry conversation that would surely ensue when he got home from work.

And because of the imagined dialogue I had with myself, I heard him saying, "I'm not going grocery shopping; that's a woman's job and it's beneath me."

He, of course, would never say this because he knows he'd have to sleep with one eye open. But nevertheless, he was doomed the minute he walked through the door. We had a spat, for which I eventually apologized for, but personally, I don't like telling him when I'm PMSing because I assume he'll use it against me.

Just like if I tell him I've had a bad day at work. If we argue about something, he'll wind up saying, "Don't take it out on me because you had a bad day!" So I don't dare tell him about PMS until I've already attacked him. Then it's my get out of jail free card.

And I haven't even gotten to the bloating and unrelenting cramps.

But first, I must address the insatiable appetite I have while under the influence of PMS.

I turn into a woman who hasn't eaten in months and must now make up for time lost. Anything will do: chips, cookies, candy, fast food, AND carbs carbs carbs, which I believe aid in the relief of headaches.

Getting headaches, and not my regular migraines, is my brain's way of telling me that it's almost that time of the month, and like clock work, I get them every day before I start my period.

Pamprin and Midol are bullshit methods of manufacturers trying to make money off desperate women who are trying to stifle these nasty side-effects, and I'm definitely one of those desperate women. But they don't work for me. I'd prefer a stiff drink.

In fact, this brings me to cramps: I had cramps so badly one time, before a friend and I were going to go out, that I had slumped over onto the floor of my bedroom, crying in pain, in what I imagine is similar to giving birth. I was not about to miss out on a night of clubbing, so I asked my friend to get me a shot of tequila, which turned into three.

And God bless tequila, because it worked.

However, in times where tequila would be inappropriate, I use heat wraps. I love those things. They're so handy. But, I imagine I look strange at work, fiddling with my lower region if the wrap moves.

And the bloating, oh God, the bloating!

I like to think that the bloating and my appetite will subside once this God awful week is over, but I know it's just an excuse.

I just wish I had another excuse for all those other times of bloating, cramps, headaches and extreme eating habits.

The bitchiness?

Well, that just comes with the territory so there's nothing I can do about it, although the PMS excuse does come in handy in those moments of insanity.

What's my justification the rest of the time?