Tales from the Drunk Side, Episode 1

Picture this:

It was a Saturday night and like most Saturday nights, my girlfriend and I were going to go to a nightclub.

But first, we wanted to get a head start, save money, and drink on our way to the club. Kill a couple birds with one stone.

We decided to take our cheap liquor for a ride through the San Jose hills, listen to some music and sing like no one was listening. We determined that cruising in an unlit area would be the best course of action.

Alum Rock Park was a good choice, so my friend and I drove down the winding street that led into the park at a moderate speed, sipping from our bottles of Cisco (aka Liquid Crack).

Now it was probably around 10pm or so, and of course the park was empty, except that mere seconds after I threw our empty bottles through the car window, we saw the lights of a car creeping slowly behind us.

And then my friend and I realized that said car belonged to a cop.

Holy fuck balls.

Immediately, we began the de-stinking process. While trying to keep our heads still, I rifled through my purse, pulling out my trusty Binaca, spraying my mouth, then spraying my friend's.

By this time, we reached the bottom of the winding road to the parking lot. There's not exactly another way out of the park, except to make a u-turn and drive back up the hill.

So, this is what we did.

And the whole time, the cop crept behind us.

It was clear to us that we were going to jail. Either for littering, drinking and driving, or both.

Our hearts were pounding, and I began praying to the good Lord up above that he get us through this.

This whole time, not once did the cop turn his lights on to pull us over, but just kept a reasonable distance from us, as if watching to see what we were going to do.

By the time we'd reached the exit of the park, both my friend and I were promising God upside down and sideways that not only would we stop drinking and driving, but we would stop drinking all together.

On Alum Rock Avenue, the cop began to reduce his speed even more. So much so, that we were able to get some good distance between us.

I was the co-pilot so at the perfect opportunity, when the cop's car was no longer in sight for the moment, I told my friend to haul ass and get the fuck off of this damn road.

We totally lost the cop and drove to a dimly lit street, where we pulled into a deep-set driveway where the cop wouldn't be able to see our car.

God only knows who's house it was. My friend immediately shut off the lights and the ignition.

We sat there, breathing heavily, grasping each other's hands.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," we repeated in unison.

Finally after about 10 minutes of praying and vowing to become nuns, we made sure the coast was clear and inched slowly out of the unsuspecting resident's driveway, and back onto the main road.

And we didn't drink again.

Until twenty minutes later when we got to the club.