Tales from the Drunk Side, Episode 3

I hate to admit that I was actually a party to this, but even more than that, I hate that it was my fault.

This disaster occurred about 12 years ago, so please have mercy when you're quick to judge.

It was another Saturday night.

My friends Brenda, Donna and I were yet again, spending our time after clubbing, cruising the streets of downtown San Jose.

(Just so you know, cruising used to be the 'it' thing to do back in the olden days. Now it's stupid and I can see why.)

We were trapped on King Road, moving about an inch per minute. The road was packed with girls talking to guys, guys talking to girls, and like us, the music blaring, sipping on whatever cheap drink we had in the car. I think the culprit was Cisco again, but I can't be certain. After all, I was drunk.

And I was driving.

At one point, I was over the whole driving thing so I asked Brenda to drive instead. We were in Donna's car, but I'm sorry, this girl could not navigate through downtown SJ to save her life, so either Brenda or I always drove.

At a standstill, I hopped out of the car to switch places with Brenda. She moved from the backseat to the front seat, and as I moved to sit back in the car, I happened to look over at a car full of chola's, and (I'm mortified that these words even came out of my mouth) said:

"What the fuck are you looking at, you fat bitch?" Do you believe it?! I still can't believe I said such a horrible thing. Even if it was true. And it was.

So I get in the car, closing the door, thinking I'm all hot shit after putting this girl on blast in front of my fellow cruisers, when the next thing we know, I look back at their little Silver Ford Focus and see 'fat bitch' running toward our car.

"Oh shit!" I said to the girls.

We all look back again and hear a crash.

'Fat bitch' had thrown an empty bottle at Donna's trunk and then ran back to her car filled with the rest of her ho clan.

"What the fuck?!" Donna yelled.

Okay, so obviously, I'm instantly feeling guilty. But when you're drunk, you say stupid shit because you're under the influence of liquid courage.

Without even thinking we all jumped out of the car and started talking a gang of shit to the girls. It was really intelligent conversation:

Us: Fuck you!

Them: No, fuck you!

So, once this all happened, immediately the light turns green, and the 'fat bitch' clan flips a quick bitch to go in the other direction. We couldn't get across the lanes fast enough so we couldn't catch up.

Fast forward to about 2 hours later. We'd scoured the streets looking for those hags without success and wound up at the McDonald's on Santa Clara to get some grub. Donna was still fuming. I'd never seen her like this, ever.

We're sitting in Donna's car, munching on some hamburgers and fries, when God smiled upon us.

What do we see, but the 'fat bitch' posse, directly in front of us, being pulled over by a cop.

It was fabulous.

We don't know what they got pulled over for, but, we were all heated and then the waiting game began.

We were like tigers getting ready to jump on our prey.

Good thing was we'd acquired quite a collection of empty liquor bottles so we were well armed.

Eventually, we see that the cop has given the girls a ticket and is getting back in his car. We slowly crept up to the STOP sign and as soon as we saw the cop was gone, Brenda hauled it right next to their car, and Donna and I bombed their shit with about 3 bottles, in quick succession. It was great!!

What we didn't count on was the following:

We jumped on Highway 101 (again with this friggin freeway), and the 'fat bitch' girls were fast on our asses.

We expected that part, but what we didn't expect, was for them to be armed with bottles as well.

So picture two cars driving at top speeds (90-100 mph), right next to each other, throwing bottles at each other's windshields. What a bunch of dipshits we were.

Long story longer... we drove all the way to Palo Alto from Downtown San Jose like this. To PALO ALTO for fuck's sake.

I must give major props to Brenda for kicking mad ass in her driving skills. And Donna's little Toyota Tercel was on point too. Those cars can haul some good ass.

Finally, after about a 30-minute chase (could have been less, but I was drunk so who knows), we were able to lose those crazy bitches.

And we made it through without anyone getting hurt, except for minor car damage.

It was one of many times that I would have to apologize for my bad behavior.

But hey, if it weren't for my big mouth, I wouldn't have this story to tell.

So, the moral of the story is, if you're gonna go...go big!