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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Spread 'Em!

About a month ago, I was minding my own business, driving home after picking up dinner for me and my hubby at Chili's.

I exited the 87 highway, and I spotted a cop behind me.

So, of course I started going over a checklist in my mind:

Was I drunk = no.

Was I under the influence of narcotics = no.

Was I speeding = no.

All in all, I had nothing to fret over. Or did I?

I was just being a mindful citizen, properly abiding by all of the rules of the road, when I saw those dreaded lights flashing.

Fuuuuuck.

I was literally about a minute from home.

So, I pulled over and copper dude pulled up behind, shining a flood light in my direction.

I rolled my window down and when the officer came to my window, he shined his big little flashlight in my face and told me to keep my hands where he could see them.

"License and registration."

I gave him my license and then gave him my expired registration adding, like an idiot, that I hadn't gotten my car smogged yet so I hadn't been able to get my registration renewed but I was going to do it immediately and I was sorry. I may have even promised him my first born... I'm not sure.

"Can I ask what you pulled me over for?"

"Your brake lights aren't working and I almost hit you."

Fuuuuck again.

"Oh really?? Oh no!"

Truth be told, I've had brake light issues for the past year and have tried to avoid driving at night because of them.

"I'll be right back," the friendly officer said.

I'd just picked up my wedding pictures so I browsed through those while I waited.

Next thing I know there is ANOTHER flood light coming from my right side of the car. There was another flippin cop car and a female officer was chatting it up with my cop.

So then he comes back and asks me to turn off my engine because "I don't want your battery to die." And I'm thinking, what the F are we gonna do here that my battery would have the opportunity to die?

Then he asks me to "step out of the vehicle and keep your hands where I can see them."

Was there an arrest warrant out for me that I wasn't aware of?

I obliged, of course, because not only was homeboy carrying a gun, but I was curious to see where having a broken brake light was going to take me with this dude.

I walk with him over to his car and he tells me to face the hood of his car. The female officer was just like 'hum dee dum, I got nothin better to do so I'm gonna watch this.'

Next he asks me to put my hands behind my back.

What the?

I put my hands behind my back and he holds them asking, "Are you carrying anything in your pockets that could do me bodily harm?"

I wanted to tell him that I'd left my bazooka at home, but thought that being a smart-ass might not be a good move here.

As he's FRISKING me, the female officer starts asking me where I work because of my parking sticker on the back of my car.

"I work for - - County."

"Oh yea? What do you do?"

It was like they did this all the time... one frisks while the other asks ridiculous questions.

"I work in the - - and investigate complaints of discrimination and harassment."

I'm kinda shaking while this is going on because I honestly thought as he held my hands together that he was going to cuff me. I've seen way too many Cops episodes.

"Oh, so you must investigate complaints against us?"

I was dumbfounded.

"Oh, I'm just kidding."

"Oh, ha ha," I said trying to be agreeable.

Now homeboy has finished patting me down and tells me that I could have caused a major accident because my brake lights weren't working and that I need to get them fixed.

I told him that a friend had tried to fix them and that I thought that they were working.

"Well, your friend screwed up because they aren't working."

"Oh my gosh, I didn't know that." Oscar, please.

He proceeds to tell me that I need to get them fixed immediately and to NOT drive my car until I do so.

And I'm thinking, how the hell am I supposed to get my brake lights fixed if I can't drive my car? Hello??

"You're being nice," the lady cop chimes in. I'm thinking 'shut the hell up lady.'

"I'm not going to issue you a ticket but make sure you get it fixed."

"Thank you," I said, relieved.

"How far do you live from here?"

"I'm right off of - and -," I say pointing down the street.

"Okay, let me walk you back to your car. I don't want you to get hit." All of a sudden Mr. Manners.

I get back in my car and as I prepare to flee the scene, I look to see if any cars are coming and am unable to do because of the cops' flood lights!

"I can't see!" I yelled, but figured I shouldn't push my luck. So I pulled up a little more until I was able to see a clear path and made my way home.

When I got home, I told my husband what happened.

"I was gonna call you from jail and tell you your dinner was in the car and to bail my ass out."

But as I would relay the story again, I got a little peeved.

Is it normal to be frisked for out-of-order brake lights? And if I was merely frisked because he got me out of the car, why the hell did I have to get out of the car in the first place?

I object!

The next day, I drove to work... but it was during the day so i figure it doesn't count.

And yes... I got my brake lights fixed.

But one should never have to spread 'em because of lights.

Never.

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